5.01 "Buffy vs. Dracula"

-Well, well. -You can take the boy out of the Initiative, but you can't take the Initiative out of the boy. -I can't be too careful. I got quite a few demons after me these days. -I'll play. -Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me eleven pounds, for one thing. -Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes. I'll tell you what. That glory hound's done more harm to vampires than any slayer. His story gets out, and suddenly everybody knows how to kill us. You know, the mirror bit? -Nothing but showy gypsy stuff. What's it to you, anyway? -Drac's in Sunnydale-way? I guess the old boy needed closure after all. -Tough talk, cowboy. But you're not gonna catch him napping in a crypt. No, the count has to have his luxury estate and his bug-eaters and his special dirt, don't he? -No. I'm saying ... you should go home to your superhoney. Have a nice, safe snog. You're out of your depth on this one, boy. -I don't. -I'd like to see you try. -Pfft. -You're never gonna find him. -Not before he gets to her.

5.02 "Real Me"

-Happy to oblige. Here I thought it was gonna be a slow night. Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all. -Well. Hello, Harm. -Long time. You look good. -I remember. -Not bad. Just got a brand-new telly in my crypt, so... -Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he? Piss off, Mort. -Gang? -Is that what those circus freaks are? -Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune. -What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's, uh ... well, let's face it, it's adorable. -Hope you'll be very happy together. In the meantime, save slayer slaying for the professionals. -Lemme guess. Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing? -Thought as much. Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you. -Bollocks. Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes. -Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant- Ow! Bloody hell! -Haven't seen her in months. How should I know- Ow! -At least lay off the nose. Okay! Okay! Used to have a cave in the north woods. About forty meters past the overpass construction site. -Ow!! I was telling you the truth!

5.03 "The Replacement"

-Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I? -You mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one? -Big Guy! Kick her ass! -Oh, very nice! I was on your side! -Very posh. -Oh, slayer. One of these days....

5.04 "Out of my Mind"

-Same thing as you and your Cub Scout here, I'll wager. -A spot of violence before bedtime. -What? I softened him up. -And I should do what in my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets? -Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy's entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer. Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow. -It's blood! It's what I do! -I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice ... and drink deep. -Ow! -Oh Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you? -Well, well, well. Looky here. -Buffy's looking for you. -Is that right. I must have missed the memo. -Desperate, are you? -Anything, will you? -Taking up smoking, are you? -I guess you are at that. What with the slayer on your tail and all. -She's not the type to give up, either. She'll hunt you down, day and night, till you're too tired and too hungry to run any more. And then? Then... that is you. -I guess you're gonna have to kill her. -I'd love to. But, I can't. Remember? I've got this cute little government chip in my head. -Yeah. I suppose I could do that. -Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox? -So it's smaller than a breadbox. -Harmony ... is it a sodding breadbox? -Funny, I've got a proposition for you, what about knocking? Seems only fair since we vamps can't enter your flat without an invite, you could at least - Say, look at those pretty pieces of paper. -Oh, dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die? -Hey. I'm just saying, if it's really that important to you, I think I'll get half now. -You got yourself a new patient, doc. -Little perforMance anxiety, eh doc? Butterflies in the old belly? Harm, do us a favor. Shoot the nasty butterflies for the good Doctor. There you go. It's not so complicated. Just do whatever those Initiative lab monkeys did, only backwards. -They look pointy enough. They'll do. -That's not gonna happen, mate. See, I have faith in your survival instinct. -Yeah. You'll have me up and killing before the night's over. -Come on, doc! You'll do me right. Nothing bad'll happen to you. -No! -Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint. -What? Yes I can! -Harmony, if your incessant prattling bolloxes up this operation, I'm gonna personally yank out your pink and wriggly tongue. -...bathe in the slayer's blood. Gonna dive in it. Swim in it. -I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke. -Yeah? -Right then. Stitch me up, doc. Got places to go. And slayers to kill. -Listen to me. My stomach's growling, I'm so starved. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to have me a little snack. -Oh, don't worry. I won't fill up on the bread. I'll still have plenty of room for the main course. -Slayer! -Suit up, Harm. -Buffy. I swear I was just thinking of you. I wanted to tell you the great news. My head's all clear now. No more bug-zapper in my noggin. -You get to try. -At long last. -A penny? -Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face, that ... bouncing shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude. -She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. Drive Spike round the Bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture. -You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! -This ... has got to end. -Should have known it's you. Been nearly six hours. -*My* mess? I just *borrowed* the doc. The mess is yours, Slayer. Yours and the boy's. -You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it. -End ... my ... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me ... out of a world ... that has you in it! Just kill me! -Buffy, I love you. -God, I love you so much. -Oh, god, no. -Please, no.

5.05 "No Place Like Home"

-Hi, Buffy. -Ow! -Out... for... a... walk... bitch. -On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase. -Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.

5.06 "Family"

-You want me, Slayer, come and get me. -All about you, baby. -Hello, sweetbreads. Have fun? -You *paid* for it? -How's that? -God, that would be ... pleasant. -To get a decent seat. If the slayer's gonna die ... I'm gonna watch. -You're welcome! -Lei-ach demon. Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow-sucking. -'Cept me. -I don't care what happens. -Ohhh. Why don't I make this simple. -Oww!! -There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you. -Yeah, you're welcome.

5.07 "Fool For Love"

-Ow! Wait. Not ow. You feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually hurts. -What do you want? -I did. -You know, there quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This unfortunately is not one of them. -Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up. -What did you want, eh? A quick demo? A blow-for-blow description you can map out and memorize? It's not about the moves, love. And since I agreed to your little proposition, we can do this my way. Wings. -Spicy buffalo wings. Order me up a plate. I'm feelin' peckish. -As I thought. Some nasty thing got a taste of you. -Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, diggin' up past uglies, 'cause you're fine. -I told you. No one's narrating on an empty stomach here. -What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad. -Luminous... oh, no, no, no. Irradiant's better. -Oh, quickly! I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for "gleaming"? It's a perfectly perfect word as many words go but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see. -Cecily... -I prefer not to think of such dark, ugly business at all. That's what the police are for. I prefer placing my energies into creating things of beauty. -Careful. The inks are still wet. Please, it's not finished. -Cecily? -Oh, they're vulgarians. They're not like you and I. -They're about how I feel. -Every syllable. -Oh, I know... it's sudden and... please, if they're no good, they're only words but... the feeling behind them... I love you, Cecily. -I know I'm a bad poet but I'm a good man and all I ask is that... that you try to see me- -Watch where you're going! -Nothing. I wish to be alone. -That's quite close enough. I've heard tales of London pickpockets. You'll not be getting my purse, I tell you. -Oh, yes! I mean, no. I mean... mother's expecting me. -Effulgent. -Oh, yes! God, yes. -No, please. Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery Channel. Becoming a vampire is a profound and powerful experience. I could feel this new strength coursing through me. Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time. I was through living by society's rules. Decided to make a few of my own. Of course, in order to do that... I had to get myself a gang. -...ike. -It's Spike now. -You'd do well to remember it, mate. -Oh, I'm sorry. Did I sully our good name? We're vampires. -Bollocks! That stuff's for the frilly cuffs-and-collars crowd. I'll take a good brawl any day. -Yeah, you know what I prefer to being hunted? Getting caught. -Sod off! (laughs) Come on. When was the last time you unleashed it? All out fight in a mob, back against the wall, nothing but fists and fangs? Don't you ever get tired of fights you know you're going to win? -Poofter! -Now you're gettin' it! -What's a Slayer? -After that, I was obsessed. I mean, to most vampires, the Slayer was the subject of cold sweat and frightened whispers. But I never hid. Hell, I sought her out. I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory and sod all else, right? I was young. -Funny you should ask. -Lesson the first: a Slayer must always reach for her weapon. -I've already got mine. -A good thing, too. Become a vampire, you've got nothing to fear. Nothing but one girl. That's you, honey. Back then... it was her. -Just like I pictured it. This good for you? -I'm sorry, love, I don't speak Chinese. -A fella could get used to this. -You ever hear them saying the blood of a Slayer is a powerful aphrodisiac? -Here, now... have a taste. -No need to be humble. -Don't be so glum, mate! The way you tell it, one Slayer snuffs it, another one rises. I figure there's a new Chosen One getting all chosen as we speak. I tell you what... when and if this new bird does show up, I'll give you first crack at her. -That was the best night of my life. -And I've had some sweet ones. What are you looking at? -Well, yeah. I suppose you're telling me you don't? How many of my kind reckon you've done? -And we just keep coming. But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the enemies of Hell besides and all we need is for one of us- just one- sooner or later to have the thing we're all hoping for. -One... good... day. -You asked and I'm tellin'. The problem with you, Summers, is you've gotten so good, you're starting to think you're immortal. -Oh? Then how do you explain this? -Not even close. Come on. -Lesson the second: ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat 'em? -The question isn't "How'd I win?". The question is "Why'd they lose?". -There's a big difference, love. -Hmm? A bit like this. -I knew I couldn't touch you. If there's no intent to hurt you, then that chip they shoved up my brain never activates. If, on the other hand... -See, now that hurt. -You're not ready to know. -Okay, then. Went like this. -The first was all business but the second, she had a touch of your style. -She was cunning, resourceful... oh, did I mention? Hot. I could have danced all night with that one. -That's all we've ever done. -And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. -Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die? -Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. -And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. -Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. -That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death wish. -Even you. -The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. -Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens... -You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. -Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did. -Oh... did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to. -So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it! -Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance. -Beneath me... I'll show her. -Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish? Bitch won't need one. -I've got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong. -Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours... -But she'll be dead just a little longer than that. -You're the one who keeps bringing her up! -I haven't said a word about the bloody Slayer since we left California. She's on the other side of the planet, Dru! -But I did, pet. I did it for you. You keep punishing me. Carrying on with creatures like this. -So this is my fault now? -Yeah, why don't you do that? -What's wrong? -Is there something I can do?

5.08 "Shadow"

-What, me? I was um ... uh ... what are *you* doing here? -Oh yeah? Well ... me too. -No. Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a ... predator thing, nothin' wrong with it. Just ... know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. Ah, that's the stuff! Slayer musk, it's bitter and aggravating! -Hey, watch it! Easy, you're bruising the leather! Look. I know for a bleeding fact the Slayer wouldn't mind me being here. -Your girl in the habit of buying her enemies drinks? 'Cause she spent the better part of last night with me, doing just that. -Yeah. -Okay, how 'bout this one. Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a deinvite on the house. Keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest list? -Oh yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. Least I still got the attitude. What do you got, a piercing glance? Face it, white bread. Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you ... but sorry Charlie, you're just not dark enough. -Hey ... Hey! Hey! Hey! -Bloody pull me back in, you sod, I'm starting to sizzle! -Oh yeah? That's why you're with her at hospital right now, giving her what she needs. -Don't you know, didn't she tell you? -Mum's sickly. Buffy took her to the hospital for a bit of prod 'n probe. Bite-sized one went too.You know, it's-it's funny her not calling you about that. I've known since last night. -Blanket! Blanket!

5.09 "Listening To Fear"

-Yeah. Listen, uh, did you hear a noise? -Right then, caught me.Your basement's full of junk. And me being in need of, uh, junk... -Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I? -Buffy! -You just missed a real nice time.

5.10 "Into the Woods"

-It's me. -I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I - are you naked under there? -No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean... -I wanna show you something. -You need to see this. -But we need to move if we wanna get there in time. -Oh, please! Like I give a bloody damn. -Don't stop, Slayer. This isn't what we're here for. -Just having a little look, mate. Keep it down. -I said keep it down. -We only came here because we care about you, friend.You need help. -I thought you should know- -What took you? Guess it takes a while to get back to full strength after those bites. -Hey! Hey, let's be reasonable about this. -Look, I'm not the one who got you into this. Don't kill the messenger. -Ow! Bloody hell! Oh god! Hey. -Oh, man. You are really under it, aren't you? -Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey. -Well ... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her. -Ow, bloody hell! -Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it. -You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. -The girl needs some monster in her man ... and that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go. -No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can. -I had this chip outta my head, I'da killed you long ago. Ain't love grand? -Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent ... No, you got the better deal.

5.11 "Triangle"

-Um ... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to ... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. -I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch! -Bitch! -Buffy ... there's something I wanted to tell you. -Hey, watch it. Oh, it's you. -I was here first, you know. -Now why would I do that, when it's bugging you so much having me here? -They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant. -Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell. -My, my. Someone's in a temper. This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer? -So she's all right then. Not, uh ... holding grudges. -Oh, yeah. Okay. No need to talk about her then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time. -I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know. -Hmm. What does the Slayer think of all this ... friction in the ranks? Can't be good for morale. -She's a little ... preoccupied, maybe. It's understandable what with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders who got caught up in the mess. -I mean, did she *want* to be made a fool of? And, what does a person have to do to make it right? Hey, watch it, mate. -On second thought, do what you like. -Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much. -What do you think, the hospital? -They've got this onion thing... -Hello, Buffy. -Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it. -Well, yeah. -What's it take?

5.12 "Checkpoint"

-Not for money, if that's what you're thinking. Your heartfelt gratitude's plenty. I expect I'll be getting that any moment. -Ge-getting in your way? I saved you. -You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help. -Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuin', that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-face. Oh wait, he's run off. -Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they? -Oh, rough talk. Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe ... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying, aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm. -Or maybe you just don't hold their interest. -I pitch in when she pays me. -Money, a little nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever. -Well, if they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it, though, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping. -Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments, she'll be cryin' on my shoulder, mark my words. -Heard of me, have you? -Well, well. Isn't that neat. Tell me, pet, now we're such good friends, how's the Slayer doing? Is she okay? High marks in all categories? -Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there I was worried. -So, what's with the family outing? -Great. I need your cash. -Well, that's a boatload of manly responsibility to come flying out of nowhere. What's the matter, Slayer? You're not feeling a hundred percent? -They didn't put a chip in your head, did they? -Be funny if they did. -All right then. Ladies... Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge. -What do you think? -Yeah, yeah, "anything happens to 'em I'll stake you good and proper." Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale. -Just don't break anything. And don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on. -Oh! No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake.

5.13 "Blood Ties"

-I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe. -Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you? -Little tremble wouldn't hurt. -Are not! -What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates? -Magic shop, eh? All number of beasties between here and there. Bet they'd really go for a little red riding hood like you. Bet that wouldn't sit too well with big sister. -Yeah, all right. -Give us a sec. I usually just burst through doors. -That's right! Who's bad now? -Girl with a mission, eh? What's the caper? Jewels? Ancient artifacts? Or just plain hard cash liberated from the till? -All this for a book? -Where did he learn to write so bloody small, from a fruit fly? -Brown-robe types are always protecting something. It's the only way they can justify giving up girls. Hey! Troll -Didn't go with my stuff anyway. -Mm. Second-sight blokes, mostly. Or even just your run-of-the-mill lunatics. -What else does it say about this key? Is it made out of gold? Maybe we can hock it, split the take. -"The Monks possessed the ability to transform energy, bend reality." Blah, blah, blah. Good lord, Giles writes as dull as he talks, doesn't he? "They started work. But the Council ... has suggested ... to us that they were interrupted. Presumably by ... Glory. They obviously did manage to accomplish the taste... accomplish the task. They had to be certain the Slayer would protect it with her life. So they sent the key to her ... in human form. In the form of a sister." -Huh! I guess that's you, nibblet. -Morning, sunshine. If you've come around for eggs or sausage, I'm fresh out. -Hey, careful! These are wet. -I was just along for the ride. Not like I knew she was mystical glowy key thing. Nobody keeps me in the bloody loop, do they? -Oh, yeah, here it comes. Something goes wrong in your life, blame Spike. News flash, blondie. If kid sis wants to grab a midnight stroll, she'll find a way sooner or later. I just thought she'd be safer with big bad looking over her shoulder. -You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick The Spike. -Yeah, that should do it. -The nibblet scampered off to get away from you. She hears you bellowing, she's gonna pack it in the opposite direction. Can't say I blame her. -Look, she probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time, that's what you hero types do. -You'll find her. -I thought you said this skank was tough.

5.14 "Crush"

-Bleedin' crime, is what it is. -Jackin' up the bar price to pay for fixin' up this sinkhole. Not my fault insurance doesn't cover act of troll. -I've half a mind to! Especially since the flowering onion got remodeled off the sodding menu. 'S the only thing this place had going for it. -Wha, what do you mean what am ... I ... -Well, I saw you ... sitting here alone. Thought, I don't know, you could, maybe do with a bit of, uh, you know, company. -Suit yourself! -Although... -It's just, we took on that Glory chippie together, I was right there with you, fightin' the fight. -Still, points for intent. You'd think that would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack. Earn a little consideration, respect. -Bugger it. -And you're saying I didn't? -And you're making it into very hard work! -Yeah? Like you could ever hurt me. -I'm not tired. -Harm ... really not in the mood right now. -Like what, you stop yammering for two seconds? -Oh, it's you. What are you doing here lurking about? -Nothing. -No. Why are you- Does Buffy know you're here? -Go home then. -Well, you can't bloody well stay here. -Because, I've got things to do. -Bad, evil things! That are not for a child's eyes. -Yeah, well, originally I was. I got over it. Doesn't seem to me it matters very much how you start out. -They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect. -Take that back! -She does? -Is that right? So, um... what else does Buffy say about me? -Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she gave me the invite. -What do you think? -Too much for you? -And I kill 'em. Right quick, the whole lot. But... There's someone missing. Supposed to be ... this little girl. So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. So I listened harder, it's very, very quiet... -Oh ... bloody hell. -Right. Yeah. So, uh, I knew the girl was in the coal bin. So I rip it open, very violent, haul her out of there ... and then I give her to a good family in a nice home, where they're never ever mean to her, and didn't lock her in the coal bin. -I was just about to send her home. I knew you'd be frettin'. -That's funny. And really, how many do you need, amphorae? -Oh, don't get us all laughing again, Joyce. Anyhow, I really need to talk to your eldest. -I got a bit of info you might be keen on knowin'. -I got a bead on the Guy who killed those people. The ones on the train. -I'll do better than that, I'll show. -What's the matter? -Two vamps holed up in a warehouse downtown. Come on, what are you waiting for, grab your coat and your pointy sticks. -It's not blood, it's bourbon. -Suit yourself. -I wanna be sedated... Do you like the Ramones? -Shh! -Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind. -So. Should we chase after 'em, then? They couldn't have gone far. -So ... you're saying they're a couple of poofters? -How do you figure? -I, I was ... I wasn't thinking. -Oh, come- don't get your knickers twisted, I was- -A d- Please!A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean - Do you want it to be? -It's not so unusual. Two people ... in the workplace ... feelings develop. -You can't deny it. There's something between us. -Heat. Desire. -Angel was a vampire. -And I can be too. I've changed, Buffy. -Women marry 'em all the time! -But I'm not ... like that. Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. -And if that means turning my back on the whole evil thing- -I damn well do! I lie awake every night! -Yeah, but You are missing the point. This is real here. I love- -Oh, come on, we need to talk- -Buffy. -Who's there? -So, uh, let me get this straight. Darla got mojo'd back from the beyond ... you vamped her... and now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again. -Sounds fun. -And this has got you, what, all nostalgic now, has it? -To Los Angeles? I've done the whole L.A. scene, Dru. Didn't agree with me. Besides, I've got a sweet little setup here in Sunny-D. Decent digs... not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat. -Right, so you've heard. Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? "You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday!" -Yeah. -But the pain ... love, you don't understand, it's ... it's searing. It's, um, blinding. -Oh, bloody hell. -Harm. -Harm, you moron, this *is* Drusila. -Harm... -It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road. -No.Because I am. -See anything interesting? -You remember my ex, don't you, Slayer? -Come back, she did. Couldn't live without me. -I'm through playing. -Bloody well through playing. -There she is. -Beginning to think you'd sleep the night away. -Sorry, pet. My house, my rules. -Simple. I'm gonna prove something. I love you. -No, look at me! I ... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you. -I can do without the laugh track, Dru. -You can't tell me that there isn't anything there between you and me. I know you feel something. -You still don't believe. Still don't think I mean it. You want proof, huh? How's this? -I'm gonna kill Drusila for you. -Don't mock this. -This is Drusila, girl! You have the slightest idea what she means to me? It's the face of my salvation! She delivered me from mediocrity. For over a century we ... cut a swath through continents. A hundred years, she never stopped surprising me. -Never stopped taking me to new depths. I was a lucky bloke. Just to touch such a black beauty. -So you see, it means something. -Here's why. If you don't admit ... that there's something there ... some tiny feeling for me ... then I'll untie Dru, let her kill you instead. -Just ... give me something ... a crumb ... a barest smidgen ... tell me ... maybe, someday, there's a chance. -Oh, what... Ohh! -Gaaah! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why ... do you bitches torture me? -Look, I, I'm at the end of my bleeding tether. You know? I don't even know why I even bother, you know. This is your fault. You're the one to blame for all this. -Bloody right you are! If you hadn't left me for that chaos demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had this sodding chip in my skull! And you - wouldn't be able to touch me, because this, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. -You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. You say you hate it, but you won't leave. You know, what I should just do, is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi- -Oh, great. -Oh, so now you're all ganging up. -Buffy! Come on now, stop. -You can't just walk away from this. -So we had a fight. It's not our first, love, and it doesn't change anything. -No, it's not that easy. We have something, Buffy.It's not pretty, but it's real, and there's nothing either one of us can do about it. -Like it or not, I'm in your life, you can't just shut me out.

5.15 "I Was Made To Love You"

-Small world. Oh dear. If looks could stake. You having fun, pet? You ... trolling for your next ex? I gotta say, you can do better. -Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me. -And who are you, darlin'? -Maybe you just found him. -Hey! Hey! Hey! -Bloody hell! You threw me through a window! -What's that about? -You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren. -Coming through! Coming through. -Fire! Fire! -Hello, all. What's going on then? -Robot? That's what she was? Knew something wasn't right. Hey. Someone's glad to see me, aren't you, little bit? -Okay, now, I was afraid of this. Misrepresentations, misunderstandings, slurs and allegations. I don't know what Buffy told you, but the thing is, the Slayer and I worked together, side by side, to get rid of Dru. Who was up to no good. And I don't mind telling you- -It's just ... I'm trying to explain. She might have said some things that sounded like I expressed some kind of feeling- -I don't know what you mean. -Bloody right, I'll move on. -Your mum let me in. I'm placing an order. -Sure you are. Here's your specs. -You're gonna make her real good for me.

5.17 "Forever"

-I'm not going in. -This isn't about Buffy. -They're for Joyce. -Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand. -I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me. -And she never treated me like a freak. -Think what you want. -I hope it's just dirt you're after. -If the spell calls for anything more than that, you're into zombie territory, and that's bad news. -I know good and well what you're up to. That book you've got is infamous. -I'm not gonna tell, little bit. -I'm gonna help. -I've never used this bloke's services myself, but there's talk. Word is he knows everything there is to know about resurrection spells. -Come on now, no worries. -Do you now? Enlighten me. -Buffy never hears about this, okay? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest. -I just don't like to see Summers women take it so hard on the chin, is all. And I'm dead serious. You breathe a word of this to Buffy, I'll see to it that *you* end up in the ground. Got it? -Hey! -Anybody home? -I don't think so, mate -Can't say as I am. Look, we came here because- -This one's mum kicked it a few days back. -So we were wondering, what's to be done about it. Heard you were the one to ask. -Ghora, I've heard of those. They local? -Where do we find this demon? -And the ghora? -Well, at least we know the old coot isn't completely daft. Look, you better let me snatch this egg thing on my own. -No ... you are not. I've got no idea what's down there. -Well, what do you know. Bitty Buffy. -Wait till it wakes up. That's usually when the bad starts. -I'll make it move. You just be ready. -Hey! Ghora! Heads up. -Right then. Heads it is. -Over here triptych. If that´s the best you can... -Hey, get away from her! -That's it. -Leave it, Dawn. -It's too dangerous and I haven't got- --a weapon! -No, that's it. -Did you get it? -Don't be sorry then.

5.18 "Intervention"

-Some say it's better'n the real thing. -She looks good, but what about the rest? -A little walk, a little talk... -...perhaps a zippy cartwheel... -*All* the extra programming, right? -Wait. I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me, you know, uh... -...touch of plasticine... -She'll do. -What you searching for, Slayer, a weak spot? Hmm? -Try me, give me the best you've got. -Is that your best, Slayer? -Why not? -Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go. -You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad. -Are you gonna do it that way? -You can't do it. -Buffy... -And that excites you? -Yeah? -Are you afraid of me? -You know I can't lie to you. -Like this? -All right. -You're mine, Buffy. -Shh! No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy. -Yeah... -Hey! Wait up! -Yes. Uh ... hello all. -Uh, Buffy's back early, I see. Lots of patrolling all around tonight, then, is it? -Ow! Hey. Give a fella a break there, Slayer. -Uh, I'm glad you're all here, uh, 'cause, uh, 'cause ... the place is crawling with vamps tonight. Uh, tons of 'em. I, uh, think we oughta split up. -Yep, guess so. -I think that was probably the big action for the night. You two can toddle on home if you want. -Satisfied? -Always. -I can do that. -Uh ... Down there. And, uh, no matter what, don't come out till I get you, okay? -Oh, it's you. -Yeah? Can't see how it's any business of yours. -She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well, I'm not gonna deny it to her. I'm not a monster. -Well, yeah, you got me there. -Friends of yours? -Guess not. -Let me go! -Key? Who's a key? I'm not the- -Yeah, damn right I'm impure. I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow. Let me go. -So, I'm just gonna let myself out. -Sod off. -Hey, watch the lip! -Enough. No more. I'll tell you who the sodding key is. -Yeah. Okay. The key. Here's the thing... -It's that guy... on TV ... what's his name? -That show ... the prize show ... where they guess what stuff cost? -Yeah ... but it was fun. And guess what, bitch. I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot. -The god of what, bad home perms? -Yeah, okay, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words, the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-god like you. -Good plan, Spike. -Oh, god. -Yeah. I feel real sexy. Where you been? -Will fixed you? I thought they'd melt you into scrap. -Give us a minute. Got some bones need mending. -She wanted to know who the key was. -No! You can't ever. Glory never finds out. -'Cause Buffy ... the other, not so pleasant Buffy ... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did. -And my robot? -It wasn't supposed to-

5.19 "Tough Love"

-Nothin' to be worried about, kid. -No one's gonna hurt you. -What, these? It's just a few bruises. -Nothin' to write home about. -Hey, chin up, platelet. Don't get scared. Maybe Glory doesn't wanna kill you, maybe it's something- -Hey. -Rot. -I'm a vampire. I know somethin' about evil. You're not evil. -Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay. -So she's not gonna do anything rash then. -Mm-hmm. -You - so you're saying that a ... powerful and mightily pissed-off witch ... was plannin' on going and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what, "explained"? -I'd do it. -Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

5.20 "Spiral"

-Just out for a jaunt. Thought I'd swing by and say howdy. -Buckle up, kids. Daddy's puttin' the hammer down. -We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slowpoke would give up the wheel. Hey! Gramps! Bloody step on it! -I shoulda nicked that Porsche I had my eye on. There's just enough room for me, you, and big sis. -What? -Or what, you're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes? -Fine. Shrimp. -Hey! Aah! -No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play ... peek-a-boo with Mister Sunshine all you like. It keeps the ride from getting boring. -See who? -Bloody hell! -Hello! You're driving one! -Now might be a good time for something heroic. -I always do, sweet bit. -Yeah, right bloody quick. I'm burning up out here. -Ow! Easy with the delicates. -Florence bloody Nightingale to the rescue. -So. What's the story with these role-playing rejects? -You sure Scarface here can habla the English? -Handier than a Swiss knife. Look, the door to my crypt's got this nasty squeak, maybe you could... -Ow. -Thanks. -You mighta let it slip in ... once or twice. -Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna get chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in. And here we bloody sit. -Could make a break for it! Use General Armor-All as a shield get to the doc's car, and- -Look, we stay here, we all die! At least this way, some of us might get- -The car. Get the keys.

5.21 "The Weight of the World"

-Better part of a century spent in delinquency just paid off. Hotwired Ben's auto. Who's for gettin' the hell out of here? -The Slayer's gonna be all right, won't she? -Buffy! -She can't just be brain-dead. I mean ... she's still Buffy, somewhere in there, right? -You're not gonna get Dawn back any way you slice it, Harris, it's for Buffy to decide. -You don't need a diploma to see that. Snap her out of it. -Buffy! -Oi, rise and shine, love! -Come on, people. Girl's endowed with Slayer strength. It's hardly the time to get dainty. Buffy! -Ow! -We have to do something. I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid gloves. I'm willing to wager, when all is said and done, Buffy likes it rough. -Uh ... Will? -Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but ... what if we come across Ben? -Well, yeah, especially not one who also happens to be Glory. -You know. Ben is Glory. -No. No. Ben is Glory. Glory's Ben. They're one and the same. -Not one hour ago! Right here, before your very eyes! Ben came, he turned into Glory, snatched the kid, and pfft! Vanished, remember? -You do remember...? Is everyone here very stoned? -Ben! Glory! He's a doctor, she's the beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. Like a bloody sitcom. Surely you remember. -Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune. -Kewpie doll for the lady. -Checked out Glory's flat. Looks like the great one has scampered. -Not entirely. I know this bloke. Well, not so much a bloke so much as a demon. But still, bookish. All tuned in to the nastier corners of this our magic world. It's a bit of a last resort really, but still, we might persuade him to suss out Glory's game plan. -Sound worthy? -Off we go then. Meet back at the shop. -Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much. -This ... is gonna be worth it. -Ow!! -Last time. From the top. -No. We need information. We need- -Look at this. Special Ed remembers. -Wonderful. But not why we're here. Hell-god type. Name of Glory- --has gone missing. She's brewing up some major-league bad, and she's nicked the Slayer's kid sister in the bargain. -Yeah. You got any idea where Glory would take her? -Love to. Can't. -She's got Dawn. -How the hell are we supposed to get to China? Teleport? -You're lying. -And what's more ... I believe you're standing right in front of the very thing we need. -Ow! -Something worth dying for.

5.22 "The Gift"

-'Cause it's always got to be blood. -Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. Course it's her blood. -Uh ... when you say you love us all... -Yeah. We get her on the ropes, we just gotta keep her occupied till it's too late. -Why don't *you* go think outside the bleeding box. -Uh, nah, that thing's too heavy to- Yeah. Good. -Don't be swingin' that thing near me. -A glorified bricklayer? -The gods themselves do tremble. -Uh, Buffy... -If you wanna just hand them over the threshold, I'll... -Hmm. Presto. No barrier. -Um, won't bother with the small stuff. Couple of good axes should hold off Glory's mates while you take on the lady herself. -Yeah. -Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'. -Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight. -Yeah. -I know you'll never love me. -I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that's... -Get your stuff, I'll be here. -Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it? -We band of buggered. -It's crossed my mind. -Someone's up there. -Yeah, loud and clear. -Yeah, can't tell who. -Yeah, but- -Doesn't a fella stay dead when you kill him? -Come on, Doc. Let's you and me have a go. -This won't take long. -You don't come near the girl, Doc. -I made a promise to a lady. -No. -Cause it's always got to be blood.